Like any major exam (standardized or personalized) that you spend months preparing for, the purpose of the PhD qualifying exam is to make you question your sanity, career choice, and purpose in life, not to mention to your ability to read, write, and speak coherently.
In theory, I’m on Day 5 of the grand studying adventure. In reality, I just finished up a pathetic Day 2. In theory, I should be 16 papers into the 120 on my list. In reality, I’ve read two and a half papers (if I’m being generous).
So what the hell did I do today?! I HAVE NO IDEA.
I know I did some cleaning, but the house looks basically the same as it did when I woke up. I took the dogs for a walk, but it was short and I didn’t do any other exercising (probably why I’m feeling crazy, frankly). I did respond to participant emails, so that’s something, but it only took an hour.
I think what I really did was worry, shuffle papers around my desk, think about my upcoming birthday and road trip with Bear, refresh my Facebook feed, and eat a lot. Aside from worrying, my grand accomplishment for the day was finishing the first season of Orange is the New Black (let’s not talk about how many episodes I watched). And now, it’s getting late. My dog’s made more progress on her rawhide than I’ve made on my life today.
It’s so humbling, this moment. Easy to feel discouraged, easy to feel anxious, but better to just feel and be humbled. A quote I come back to often on days like this is from Mary Anne Radmacher: “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”
Fifty-one days until my written exams means 51 days in which I can have a little more courage and a little less TV, Facebook, procrastination, and distraction. Fifty-one days to devote to myself, my foundation, me. Fifty-one days full of my favorite subjects and 51 nights that I can sleep well knowing I accomplished something real.
I can do 51 days.
On another note, I highly recommend watching Orange is the New Black…unless you’re studying for quals.
Renaissancing Me 